I haven’t written in almost three years. If you’ve read my last entry you probably know why. The three months after my last post were absolute real hell for me. I was 7 weeks pregnant, working 30 hours a week, trying to be semi-normal at work, and then by nights I was watching my pap suffer to death.
March 13th 2009 I told my pap I was going to be a mother and he hugged me, told me “you know how I feel about you” he started to tear up and so did I. Then the few days after that he was sick so that was really the last conversation we had that was normal before he had the “small heart attack” or whatever it really was and then he was put into ICU. We never got to have a real conversation after that because the next three months it was like talking to someone else. He went from normal, walking on the trail everyday, running errands – to someone you had to talk to like they are a child. He could only eat puree in the beginning and it didn’t get much better than that. One day while in the continuous care center he looked up at me & said “Where am I, really?” Like, he thought it was some kind of conspiracy. It broke my heart.
The doctors really played with my emotions always talking about how his kidneys could come through and fix themselves and everything would be okay, he may need a power scooter etc. Then he would recover enough in the hospital and they’d send him back to continuous care and he’d get worse.
At 16 weeks pregnant I went to get my ultra sound to find out if my child was a boy or girl then I went to the 5th floor so Pap could be the first one to know. I told him Aiden was a boy and he said “I knew it.” And he would always talk about how the couldn’t wait to hold the baby, it had been so long since he’d held a baby. He would rub my stomach and smile.
The night they put him on the Morphine drip was the worst. He was acting erratic and they put him on it to calm him down. Little did I know that he was never coming off or that they weren’t going to give him food or water. When I came in the next day to see him & I found out he wasn’t getting an IV of liquids that just made me so furious I couldn’t even see straight. A nurse took me out in the hallway & told me there was nothing else they could do. Why? Because he’s in his 70s? Because he’s not YOUR dad? I’ll never ever get over that. I would hold his hands and when I let go my hand prints would be on his hands because he was so dehydrated. I didn’t even know it was legal to starve someone to death. I wouldn’t even do that to an animal. Obviously, I’m still mad. I stomped out that day – said that I refused to sit back and be a part of that & I still feel the same way.
June 27th 2009 I got off work at 10, went straight to the hospital like usual. 6 months pregnant. Said to hell with it, got my fatass up in bed with my pap. He had liquid coming out of his nose and mouth and once and a while a CNA would come in and suction it out. I still remember the smell. I didn’t give a shit. I knew damn well he didn’t have another day and I told him everything I needed to say. I’m so thankful for that conversation. I know he heard me. I had a dream that I’ll write about shortly. Anyway to be short, I told him thank you for being my dad. I told him he had changed my life for the better. That I was sorry for anything I had done or said to hurt him. And that, I would ALWAYS love him etc. Then I told him I was going home, with Donnie (his absolute best buddy, who happens to be a cat) and to please meet me at home. I had never told him before that night, but I told him then that it was okay to go. I have never been as upset as I was the night I left. I just knew that was it.
That was the last time I ever saw him.
Nini called me after 5AM that morning and said he had just passed at 5:19.
I will never, ever, be the same again. Part of me is forever gone. My pap was the person I was closest with. He’s the person I always went to when I had a problem. Still to this day, two years later, I will sometimes think “I have to call pap and ask him…” ugh.
We had a memorial service but it offered no closure. He donated his body to WVU, so the body wasn’t there. I know he wasn’t still in his body and that aspect didn’t matter. It’s just the fact that I never got to bury him yet. I have no grave to visit. There’s just nothing. And still today a big part of it seems like a dream. Like it never happened. They said we’d get the body in about two years but we haven’t yet.
A few days after he passed I had a dream that he was sitting in his chair, Donnie on his lap, & he repeated everything I told him that last night. Now, I’m calling it a dream but I really think it was real. In the dream I knew it was his spirit. That made me wake up with a smile at least. I still cry about 3 times a week. I’m convinced I’m going to feel incomplete the rest of my life. I can’t help be resentful to the fact I had a healthy baby boy three months later and he didn’t get to be there in person. I know he was there in spirit, but I’ll still never get over that.
I think God purposely gave me Aiden at the time he did because if I wasn’t pregnant during the whole ordeal, I would have been a worse mess. I was able to control myself a little because I didn’t want to upset the baby inside of me. It was just too close in time to all be a coincidence and then adding the factor that I’m not even supposed to be able to conceive.
On a happier note, October 19th two thousand nine at 12:13 pm I gave birth to a 7 lb 9.5oz little baby boy. Aiden Alexander Caldwell. He is going to be two next month and let me tell you, he is an angel. He is the best part about every single day of my life. I feel so blessed that I’m his mother. He’s perfect in every single way.
On January 30th 2010 Alex proposed to me, and I obviously said yes and on September 4th 2010 we were married at St. Joseph’s Cathedral.
So, my life is completely different these days. I now live in southern West Virginia while my husband is in pre-pharmacy school to get his doctorate in pharmacy and i’m a stay-at-home-mom so I get to spend my days with my little man.
Losing someone you love with your whole heart never gets better. There will always be an emptiness in my day. I still cry frequently. I cried while typing this whole damn thing, in fact. But, I’m trying to think of the positive and live life to the fullest until the day I get to be with him again.
<3
