my heads a carousel of pictures, the spinning never stops…

This should be the happiest time of my life, yet it’s my worst nightmare.

Since the day I was born I stayed every weekend with my grandparents. They’d take me home on Sundays back to McMechen for the school week and then come & get me Friday night. They’ve always been my angels.  When things got tough at home, I knew I could call them to escape & they’d keep me safe.

Then one awful night when I was 9 turned out to be the best day of the rest of my life. Thanks to my parents childish behavior, I got to go live with my grandparents full-time. When I turned 14, I went back to my parnets and things got bad again, and I ended up in various childrens homes until November 2004 when my grandparents took custody and got me the hell out of there.

I’ve been here with them ever since.

I’m not even my pap’s blood granddaughter but he has loved me since day one. He & my grandma got together right before I was born. He guided my mother through my delivery, and he’s always told me that he sees me as his daughter. He has been the only stable father figure I’ve ever had, so I’m completely cool with that.

Well, over the years he’s had two open heart surgeries, strokes, heartattacks, the works. Everytime we’ve been scared, panicked, out of it…but this time we really need a prayer.

Thursday the 12th I was at work, my grandma was at work, and pap was home alone. He tried swallowing a pill, choked, and he said when he coughed it up finally, all he saw were colors.

The next day, I find out that I’m pregnant. I tell him the good news, and he hugs me, started crying & said, ” you know how i feel about you.” Gah. I hugged him and walked away before I started crying.

That was the last full conversation we had.

So, my grandma took Monday off from work and drove him to the doctors. When he got to his appointment, the doctor said he looked very pale and he expected a heart attack occured, so they sent him down to the ER. Sure enough, he had a “very small” heart attack, that did no damage. But, before they were sure of that, they sent him to a heart catheter to see the damage and he ended up having a stroke from it.

And this is my nightmare, or just the start.

At first he was eating honey consistancy food (pureed), now he’s on a feeding tube. He hasn’t talked today but yesterday I was the only person he said anything to and that was “I love you, Jayme.” I think it takes absolutely all his strength to say anything. He wears an oxygen mask, his diabetes keep sky rocketing, and he now has fluid in his lungs (which is either Pneumonia or his heart giving off liquid).

Today he has a brain scan and a spinal tap.
We need a prayer, a miracle.

What should have been a happy time, turns into horror. My birthday/easter is in 11 days, my baby is due on November 2nd, and all this horrible stuff is happening.

I’m holding onto any hope possible, talking to God…but it’s a battle.
Without him here, I don’t know what I’ll do.
My entire world will fall apart.

Keep the blood in your head and your feet on the ground…

Reading my last entry makes me laugh. Little did I know then, that sickness I was feeling was just the start.

During the week I went to work complaining about being sick, getting fat, wanting to go home…the list goes on. Immediately two girls I work with are like, “hey maybe you’re pregnant” & i’m saying, “shut the fuck up.” Hah…

Friday the 13th (of all days) began serious change for the rest of my life. Nothing will ever be the same again.

I had been seriously sick for 5 days. Something I’ve never felt before. Nausea, burning, funny pains in my tummy to just name few. I go upstairs and begin to get ready to just go to the ER. I’ve come to the conclusion with the health problems that I’ve had, trying to get into the doctors when you’re seriously sick, waiting to get into the office, then another 4 days for xrays, blood tests, whatnot to come back is too long to wait when you’re ill. When you only have about 2 days off a week, it adds to the problem. So, I shower, put clothes on, shoes, cellphone, grab my purse, and notice a pregnany test that i’ve neglected.

According to doctors/specialists since I was 13 years old – I would not be able to get pregnant without fertility medications (Clomid), & even then I’d have a slight chance. Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS) is a bitch, let me tell you. Looking back, crying over it for years & years really pisses me off now.

So, to amuse myself I go and pee on the damn stick. I’m sick of it lying around, anyway. We’ve been through this a million times, I can’t get pregnant. I’m just parinoid and ridiculous. So, I pee, lie it down, and grab my phone. Come back a few minutes…two blue lines. I threw the package away a long time ago, so I shakily text Bev, “i just took that pregnancy test. two blue lines, wth does THAT mean?!” & she replies, & at that point my entire life changed.

Next, I do what every teenage girl dreads, I’m sure. Luckily, i’m older than a lot.
jme; hi mom, what you doing?
mom; heyy, getting ready to go pick up your sister, whats up?
jme; uhhh, i think i might be pregnant.
mom; oh gosh, i think i just aged 30 years.

Possibly one of the most awkward conversations I’ve had. My mom is definitely the chillest in my family. She knows pretty much everything about me. But again, we’re more like friends than mother and daughter until this conversation came into play. My grandma was going to possibly give me a heartattack; I didn’t even want to see my father.

I decide not to go to the hospital. Instead I’m texting my closest friends freaking the hell out. I think poor Bev was freaking out as badly as I. I was pacing around my room not knowing what the hell to do at that point. I had texted Alex to call me ASAP, but he was at work so I didn’t know when I’d be hearing from him. My sister wasn’t home, so there was no one to confide in. I was alone, and flipping out.

Turns out Alex had his phone charging in the security office, and the guy working decided to read the text since it was from me and i kept texting, and he walkied Alex telling him he better give me a call.

Another how-the-hell-do-i-say-this conversation. From this point, I decided I wasn’t going to beat around the bush, i’m telling everyone up front.

“Alex, I think I’m pregnant.”

It sucks to have to tell the father of your potential child over the phone that you’re knocked up.

So he’s freaking out, I’m freaking out, we can’t be together & no one knows but my mother and she’s 15 miles away.

My mother finally comes over around 9:15 with 2 standard tests and a digital. My dad’s in my room, not saying a word, I hug them both, and they leave.

My sister comes into the bathroom with me, and I take the first test.
positive.
I start flipping out, yet again.
Jesika is happy as hell to be an aunt.

Alex comes around 9:45.
I take the second test.
Positive.
We’re still in shock.

I call my best friend/brother. He thinks this is possibly the funniest thing he’s ever heard. He starts cracking up. He tells my dad’s parents. So, now that everyone else knows it’s time to atleast tell the people I’m living with.

Gah. Nini. As a little one, I spent every single weekend with her (my parents were 16 & 19 when I was born), when I was 9 I went to live with her, & when I was 15 she adopted me :D She’s a teacher. And she can be fierce when she wants to. Anyway, she’s watching CNN (<3), and Alex & I go into the green room to talk with her. I give it to her straight with three pregnancy tests in my hand.

jme; alright, sorry you’re the basically the last person to know, but i’m pregnant.
nini; /surprise smile, “oh! congrats sweetheart!” blah blah blah.

I definitely was in shock from that point on, but she was trying to hug me and whatnot. Definitely not what I expected. Pap was already in bed and she was trying to urge me to wake him up and tell him the news, which wasn’t happening.

We go to bed; wake up.
take the digital test.
“Pregnant”
lovely. I’m getting used to the shock factor.
“Hey, Alex, I’m still pregnant.”
hahaha.

I stayed in bed most of the day of the 14th. Alex went home, got some stuff, showered and whatnot. Before we went to bed I notice really light pink blood, and absolutely have a fit.

And we’re en route to Wheeling Hospital in the middle of the night.
Four hours later, I’ve had a complete pelvic exam, and blood test showing I’m now 6-7 weeks pregnant.
Still surreal.

Next day at work is a field day.
Everyone gives you looks like you’re supposed to be like, “Yeah, I’m pregnant.”
My tummy is burning like there’s acid accumulating into a fire.
I worked in softlines, so they’re all giving me mommy tips, telling me how sick i’m gonna be, and fat…
“you’re so tiny now & you’re gonna be HUGE!”
lovely, thanks.

Then at work a couple days later, the real fun starts. Of course no one can ask me anything, so everyone’s on Bev’s ass asking her a million questions. Stupid rumors start, and the immaturity shows.

An ex friend of mine starts rambling on how I’ve ruined my entire “party life” and my life in general. Good to know. For those of you who have seen my “party life” it was going to end sooner or later anyway. Most likely in a cemetary.

St. Patricks day, I worked all day and was having terrible pain on my left side (where i usually have cysts). So, again, being parinoid I think tubular pregnancy, or worse, and we go to OVMC hoping to be out in less time. Not happening. After waiting for a couple hours in a waiting room with some lady in a terrible state vommiting constantly (apparently they had no rooms), I get a room. I get a cathetar. I get an ultrasound.

After sheer panick for hours, I hear my babies heartbeat, saw him/her move, and got a picture.
I can’t expain how relieved I am knowing everything’s okay.
My mother had various miscarriages and so has my aunt, so I’m going to be worried extra.

Everything is still surreal and new to me.
I’m still the same person, I just have a lot of growing up to do.
My 20th birthday is on Easter and I will be almost 12 weeks pregnant.

I’m still in shock.

i don’t feel well.

i really want to write, but the computer screen is making me ewie. so, hello, goodbye.

“]

a waste :

i’m a waste of paint.

Describe your last cuddle session:
How do you describe a cuddle sesh? It is what it is.

How many people have you kissed since jan. 1st 07?
Seriously? I really don’t remember, or care. Lets go with 8.

How many funerals have you been to?
Again, 8. Cried at 4.

Why aren’​​t you with the perso​n you were first in love with?​​
The first person I thought I was in love with will always have a piece of me. We’ve known eachother for 7 years, gone through a lot together. He was my vice, but he is definitely not my other half.

How many month​s until​ your birth​day?​​
two. /sigh

What’​​s your favor​ite part of the song that you’​​re liste​ning to?
“If I’m just bad news, then you’re a liar.”

Do you think​ you’​​re a good frien​d?​​
I try to put my heart into everything I do.

If the year consi​sted of only one seaso​n,​​ which​ would​ you choos​e?​​
Spring.

Could​ you go out in publi​c looki​ng like you do now?
I wouldn’t, but I guess I could.

What was on your mind mostl​y today​?​​
How I wished I was home in bed instead of at work.

Do you like the rain?​​
Summer rain = <3

What did you do today​?​​
I worked, shower, layed around, ate, worked out.

Who was the last perso​n you got into a small​ argum​ent with?​​
I don’t remember.

Can you handl​e the truth​?​​
Not always; but I like to hear it from the person it’s coming from and not someone else. Straight forward & to the point. No fabrications.

How often​ do you hold back from sayin​g what you are think​ing?​​
If I think it will hurt someone else, I keep my mouth shut.

Last night​,​​ did you go to sleep​ smili​ng?​​
No.

Where​ did you sleep​ last night​?​​
My bed.

Did you have a good day yeste​rday?​​
S’okay.

What was the highl​ight of today​?​​
Getting off work.

Do you hate anyon​e?​​
No.

Does anyon​e call you babe?​​
Yeah.

In the next 5 month​s,​​ what are you looki​ng forwa​rd to most?​​
Not turning 20, that’s for sure.

What is bothe​ring you right​ now?
Nothing.

Do you wish you had the chanc​e to tell someo​ne somet​hing right​ now?
Yeah.

I’ll bet you miss someo​ne right​ now?
Absolutely.

Who would​ you want to be tied to for 24 hours​?​​
Donnie. My cat.

How do you vent your anger​?​​ 
I used to just get wasted.

 Have you ever waste​d too much time on a certa​in boy or girl?​​
No fucking kidding.

Do you think​ someo​ne is think​ing about​ you right​ now?
No.

Has anyon​e disap​point​ed you recen​tly?​​
Yeah.

Does it take a lot to make you cry?
Depends. I rarely cry over others, just depends on my feelings.

Are any of your bestf​riends in love?​​
One is married, other than that, no.

Do horro​r movie​s these​ days scare​ you?
No, but I’m always looking for one that does.

What is the best thing​ that’​​s happe​ned in the past week?​​
I’ve got some days off.

What color​ is your hair?​​
Brunette.

If your frien​ds warn you about​ someo​ne,​​ do you liste​n?​​
Not really.

When did you last throw​ up?
Last weekend.

 Say your last ex runs up to you and hugs you, what do you do?
Look at him like he’s fucking out of his mind.

When was the last time you had butte​rflie​s?​​
Fall.

If you could​ push one perso​n off of a mount​ain,​​ who would​ it be?
I’m not heartless.

Have you ever throw​n your cell phone​ in anger​?​​When?​​
Yeah.

How’​​s your heart​ latel​y?​​
Beating.

Do you think​ you will be in a relat​ionsh​ip three​ month​s from now?
I’m always in a relationship.

Do you want to fix thing​s with anybo​dy?​​
Gah.

Could​ you go the rest of your life witho​ut drink​ing alcoh​ol?​​
I’m trying.

Do you hate the last perso​n you kisse​d?​​
No.

Do you expec​t your favor​ite ex to call or text you?
Rich is the only ex I get along with, & yeah, we text.

Do you like red bull?​​
No.

Have you ever writt​en anyth​ing on a bathr​oom wall or door?​​ 
Nope.

Do you blow dry your hair?​​
No.Do you think​ relat​ionsh​ips are ever worth​ it?
yes.

 

Do your paren​ts reall​y know you?
My dad tries.

Are you happy​ right​ now?
Sleepy :]

Do you think​ anyon​e likes​ you right​ now?
Yeah.Goodnight.
xoxo; jme.

So have another drink & drive yourself home. I hope there’s ice on all the roads…

and you can think of me when you forget your seatbelt. Again, when your head goes through the windshield.

Well, last night I proved to myseklf that I actually am human, have feelings, and apparently a deathwish.

& i’m quitting drinking.
For real this time.

I scared myself enough to wake up. Finally.

we might die from medication, but we sure killed all the pain.

It’s one of those mornings where nothing’s worth it.

Not the happy times, not the good old times, the laughs/smiles, the love, the “greener side.”

Not a thing.

And you contemplate why you even have a purpose, or even try day-to-day.

You question your existance and wonder what it would be like if you were not.

But sometimes, there’s things even sleeping forever can not cure.

goodnight.

We all get tired; I mean eventually, there’s nothing left to do but sleep…

So, random thoughts. I’m sick & should just be in bed, but of course my mind has to be elsewhere.

I really enjoyed Jamie 2’s comment on my last blog. Especially the whole “Marshall county” spiff. Sort of made me smile today.I have yet to hear anything from that person. Cowards stay annonymous. It’s whatever.

They say when you lose someone your heart eventually heals. You get better with time; pain gradually fades. I disagree. I think when you lose someone, in my opinion, your whole persona changes. I know I’m not the same Jayme I was back in September. September. The last time I got to hug on Anth, while he towered over me with that ornery grin he always had. He bought khaki shorts, told me to call him soon, and that’s the last time I got with him. To think of those arguments we had over absolutely nothing significant. I will always wish I could take them back. Oddly enough he was in my dreams the other night. As alive as can be, and that’s how I’m always going to remember him. I’ll remember all the good times, all the smiles, laughs, and jokes. He was one of those people everyone loved. Every clique, race, gender…everyone adored him. We will always remember.

I’m glad 08 is over. It’s been rough. I went to work three days in a row in August, all fake smiles, when I knew my mom might never wake up again in intensive care. I know I would have never forgiven myself if she had died. It’s hard knowing the person who’s always pushing you to enjoy life, make the best of everything, and wiping away your tears, hates her life enough that she’s willing to leave four kids alone and take her own life away. But she’s here now, alive, and my mom again. I’m just thankful for that.

I’m going to try and make 09 as pleasant as possible. The unexpected happens, but you just have to roll with it. My new years resolution is to stop being fat. Don’t even comment on that, it’s a waste of text. ANNNYWAYYY…

Back to the bright side, I may be getting a teachers aid position for a deaf child. School by day, retail by night :] I’ll probably be a stressed mess for a while, but I’ll get used to it. All I do now is work and sleep anyway. It’s hard to believe I’ll be 20 in a couple months. Lee came into work the other day, which was super exciting, but we were talking about it like “TWENTY! Can you believe it?” We’ve been friends for an entire DECADE, hah. I remember St. Vincents always got out a little bit after Bridge Street, but I’d run over to the Y & hang with Leelo & Derek all day. We were definitely cool. A lot has changed since then, but it’s nice to still have your friends who knew you way back then.

Anyway, I have a cold from hell, so I’m going to go lay down. I just don’t get to write here as often as I’d like.

<3jme

Offhand, this makes me very angry

SedgewickBeavers: anthony was a little bitch thats why hes rotting in hell right now with master lucifer getting assfucked by niggers if he was so macho he would still be alive FUCK U ANOTHY
SedgewickBeavers: ill shit on his skull after i dig it up bitch
SedgewickBeavers: ill dig up his corpse and put it on ur doorstep how about that

I would just like to say, whomever this is, and we will find out, better be counting their blessings in their free time. I am not a violent person in any means, but I can think of 25 people offhand who will gladly put you in the ground.

What person in any way would talk that way about a deceased person? If he was “macho” he would still be alive? What does that even mean? Apparently this person doesn’t even have the slightest clue how this happend, or even remotely have a heart for all of us who are emotionally wrecked from our friend being taken away from us…

Anthony is not dead; he’s alive in our hearts where he will stay forever.  Our Sunshine on a bad day; our gaurdian angel. Not a day goes by that I don’t remember him in some way. They say it gets better, the pain will subside, but it is litterally an open wound in my heart – and in many others. Anthony is a beautiful soul, and God will not let that go to waste. I look forward to the day that I can see him again, say that were left unsaid, laugh about the silly times we spent together, the ridiculous arguments, and laugh about all the things he’d been seeing from above while I wasted my time away down here.

We love you, we will never forget, and we will definitely not let your name be taken in vain <3

sleepless.

I wish I could get back to being on a semi-normal sleep schedule, or just stop being lethargic in general. I fall asleep around 5:30 every morning and today, being the latest I’ve slept, was 6:30 pm. I’ve had more days off than usual, but this pattern is just getting ridiculous. I’m getting nothing done and I’m way unmotivated.

I found out today that the company I work for is discontinuing our photo lab, which is where I spend most of my days. I think the whole photo lab team is pretty sad that we’re all going to be split up among the store now. At the same time, I can not wait to get out of retail. I want set hours, set pay, and an occupation that’s actually making a difference. Did I mention I’m also unmotivated about going back to college? Well, I am. But, it has to be done. So, I’m thinking of applying and possibly going to nursing school in the fall. Juggling work and school is going to be the tough part, and staying sane is going to be the hardest.

My dreams are completely different from reality. I would love nothing more than to own a coffee shoppe/bakery near the ocean, or ANYWHERE. Really good coffee, a cupcake, and a nice book to read in a relaxing atmosphere. What’s better than that scenario? Not much. But unfortunately, there’s a risk you have to take in opening a business of your own, especially one of that nature. There will always be hospitals to work in, and people to care for. I’m just not sure if taking chances is what I need to get myself into. I’ve already went to college once, and then decided I didn’t want to do anything with what I had learned. Money spent for a hobby. Oh well, I’m sure there has been worse situations. So, in conclusion, I’m left with dreams and reality with no direction. Typical Jayme.

Someday I will find my way, but as of now I’m just going to dance with opportunity.

Change.

New year; new blog :P

Oh, and for you lovely English speaking folk; Láska = love in the Czech lingo; hence the blog name. XD